'you said life has no limit, if you're not afraid to get in it...'--mason j.

big things lie ahead.
big, amazing, frightening things.
like graduating. and traveling. and moving.
adventures, all. my excitement is slowly unwinding, slowly being loosed.

and being my mother's daughter, i think. i process. i reflect.
and you, my non-existent blog reader, my future self, are priveleged--doomed?--to listen.

there's no telling where i'll go.
i've got an idea of what i'd like...
i'd like to move to colorado. i'd like to breathe mountain air. i'd like to make new friends. i'd like to find someone tall, someone strong, someone true. i'd like to carve out a life of something solid.
but those are only my ideas of what would be best.

the truth is, i've got no control. i've literally got no idea what the next 1, 5, 10, 15 years hold for me. graduating college means its go time. but go where? and with whom?

i'd be remiss if i didn't say that recent tragedies and losses haven't chilled my bones. i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me want to gather up everyone--my present and my past--and keep them closer than close, hold them tighter than tight and speak so, so much love to them.

there's no doubt this diaspora makes my heart sad. they are my home, and i am so tempted to say that i need them more than uganda, or san diego, or corona del mar, or san francisco, or australia, or ecuador, or spain, or japan. but i don't. we've all been reared inside of such integrity, such an unwavering commitment to the lost,--it would be disobedient to horde one another right now.

the truth is, all i've ever wanted is to put words to my heart. all i've ever wanted is to be able to convey the love i have...but i've always gotten in the way.
i've always allowed my heart to be made afraid.
i'd like to be unafraid now.

i am patient. i pride myself on the growth i've experienced in my innermost heart.
i trust in Him, His timing, His plan, His placement of me.
and that doesn't mean my heart doesn't long. it doesn't mean i'm not waiting.
and i'm not afraid to admit that i am afraid.
it simply means, i've got no choice other than trust.
it really is that simple.







...and if you are there, don't you feel just a little of the same?